In A Funk
I don’t remember the last time I saw the sun. My mood reflects this. I’m in quite a funk, one that I can’t seem to get out of.
I’m lethargic. I’m blase’. I don’t give a fuck about other people’s feelings. And the people I already don’t like … those pricks are on thin ice right now.
Maybe I’m just tired. I’ve worked out 19 of the past 23 days, including today. My body shows it but at what cost? People have been telling me not to overdo it because I might wear myself out. I’d sooner get worn out from being fat so I’ll take my chances. Aside from that, I think the body can do whatever the mind wills it to do presuming it’s in good health. It could be that I’m more tired than I know. I am a complete and utter jerk when I’m tired, versus being a situational jerk when I’m not.
But what I’m experiencing doesn’t feel like fatigue. I wrote to someone earlier that I need to pray. I’m sure I do but I don’t feel good about going to God right now because my heart isn’t right. I’m angry about something. I’m malcontent. And I feel self-absorbed.
If I could just see the sun I think I’d feel better. Even if it was cold outside, seeing the sun and the sky would do wonders for my mood. That doesn’t bode well for me because November and December are the cloudiest months of the year. It doesn’t help that it often rains and snows during this, the fall. I’m sick of this shit. I’ve been in Chicago for years but no, I’m not used to this. I don’t know how anyone could be. Either way, I’m not. I’d love to move away from Chicago but it isn’t that easy. My life, what there is of it, is here.
Maybe I should take the advice I like to give others and be thankful for the seemingly little things. I’m in great health. I work. I have food, clothing and shelter. I take none of that for granted. But I think something is missing. Maybe it isn’t and this really is all about the onset of Seasonal Mood Disorder.
I’ll find out the next time I see the sun.
A woman offered to suck my cock two nights ago and I turned her down. I did or said nothing that would have lead her to ask such. Her request came out of the blue. She gave me a ride to my car and we chatted for a while about various and random things. She told me how mysterious I am to her but that I seemed cool. How she got from there to offering me a blow job is beyond me. I thought she was joking, if, in fact, women joke about that kind of thing. I laughed. She asked me if I was laughing because I found her question funny or if it was because I wanted to say, “yes,” but was too embarrassed.
I couldn’t answer her because I didn’t know the answer. What I did know is that I didn’t want what she asked me for so that’s what I went with.
If I were “happy,” would she have asked me that?